Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
