I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
