Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
