my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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