I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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