I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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