Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
