a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
