i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
