Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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