Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
