i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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