so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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