My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
