I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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