Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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