My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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