sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
