I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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