there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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