I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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