Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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