Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
