So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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