i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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