the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
