The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your penis caused this!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
