I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
