My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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