apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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