I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
