...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
