toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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