Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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