DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm too high and old for this...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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