i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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