When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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