Your dad touched me again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
