Cold hands, warm shart.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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