I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
