I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
