birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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