he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
