I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
