Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
