Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
