why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
