So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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