You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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