I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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