genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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