We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So much rum. So many feels.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
