So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
