Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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