i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I touched a dick in church today
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
