My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
